Creating the perfect blog

Man sitting on toilet with laptop

Are you a hard worker feeling undervalued? Do your kids have no respect for you, despite your slaving away for them? Is your wife having an affair with the chestnut tree in the garden? Or are you just bored on your toilet break and need something to read to help you focus? Welcome to the ramblings of Boy Blunder!

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m kind of a big deal. My mantra “Doing the wrong thing the right way” is something I have lived by my entire blogging life (so that’s around a whole day). With a deep meaning that even I can’t quite explain, it has gotten me through challenging life events such as thinking of a name for a blog, buying a domain, adding some hosting and picking a design.

So, with my critically acclaimed (..ahem) blog up and running, I thought I would start by using my entire blogging experience (… ahem ahem) of a day to answer common questions on how to create your very own successful blog.

How much planning should you put into your posts?

None. The best things in life come from putting no preparation into anything. Be it a holiday, job interview, exam, or even your wedding day – don’t “think”, don’t “prepare”, just shoot from the hip. Taking my father’s advice for losing my virginity at 30-something years old: the faster you are, the better. Time is of the essence here, don’t let someone beat you to it – rush it and get it out there asap.

How important are post titles?

What you put down as a title for your blog is very important. You need to ensure your post title is as clear as mud, keeping users guessing for as long as possible. Even better would be for your user to still not know what your post is about once they’ve finished reading the entire article. A sense of mystery is great, don’t give the post away by giving the subject matter away in the title. Look what happened to the movie Saving Private Ryan, it gave everything away in the title, therefore no one went to see it and so it flopped majorly to the point the director, Steven Spielberg, was never heard of again.

What about tone of voice?

Don’t limit yourself by sticking to one tone of voice. Let all the voices in your head be heard. If you want to be professional and let your blog enhance your career – go for it! If the next post you want to be high and chilled – hit me bro! If the post after is a sweary rant at the employer that didn’t hire you despite your professional post – let it all fucking out! The lesson is to keep your readers the same way my ex-girlfriend was accustomed to being with me – on their toes so they just don’t know what they’re going to get next. Throw in lots of swearing and abuse, at least once per sentence. That will keep you very cool and relevant. Also, don’t allow comments on your blog – this has to be a one way thing where no one is allowed to voice their disapproval back to you.

Is spel chekin neccesary?

I don’t get what the big deal is with these university-type folk that think spelling and grammar are the only way forward. Don’t let these people define you and patronise you with their fancy jobs and cars, forcing you to spell check your posts. Use your complete experience as a 14 year old school dropout to carry you through this. If you make spelling mistakes, who cares! It’s not like they wrote the dictionary or something – full credit for that goes to Samuel Jackson (seriously, look it up). Oh yeah, you don’t need to back up your facts either, MOFO!

Can you make money from a blog?

Follow the advice up there and trust me, you can quit your job the next day. I’ve already handed my notice in while I wait here for my hosting company to send me a cheque through the post. And don’t worry about affiliate links or sharing your content on social media to increase prominence. That’s what Ask Jeeves is for. Just publish your post and watch the traffic flow faster than Lewis Hamilton on speed.

And there you have it. To summarise: I’m important and you should definitely read this blog for the best advice and experience ever on anything and everything. Now help me get deservedly rich with my one blog post per year. That’s right, a bonus hint there for you – one post ought to do it.

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