New Year is upon us – and with New Year comes resolutions. Having difficulty coming up with new goals for a new you? Boy Blunder is here to help.
Eat more junk
Dieting doesn’t mean you have to be on a healthy diet. Anything is a diet. Next year aim to eat as much crap as possible. And the whole eat more greens thing? Bullshit. Someone needs to stop the vegan movement – plants have feelings too.
Seriously – who has the time for this? You have a choice of enjoying a bar of Snickers, or running on the treadmill for half an hour… Snickers all the time! Plus what’s the point of “working out” if the moment you stop you gain the weight anyway… Be smart and quit ahead of the game.
Last year my pride was hit when my wife did the unthinkable – she weighed more than me! What sort of man would you be if your wife weighed more than you? Granted, my wife was pregnant, but fellas don’t let your weight be less than your missus’ weight. Be a man!
Spend more and save less
You think saving for the future is a great idea. Save for a rainy day, your kids studies, a pension, etc. The future may only be a day long… Fuck that, Spend everything now. Your kids will happily pick up the debt you leave behind, let them deal with it.
Who starts hobbies anyway? Oooh, you’re going to go and play tennis, at the tennis club, with all your tennis friends, and you can hold each other’s tennis rackets. What? I sound jealous? Shut your face.
Trust me – you miss everything on smoking breaks. Dirty jokes, office gossip, party invitations. The answer – start smoking. Plus, if you smoke enough, you can set up a New Year’s resolution for next year to give up smoking. Think ahead.
You can either pick up a book and read it (without pictures), or you can watch the movie/tv show version of it where you don’t need to focus as hard. No brainer. Just watch more TV.
Stick to dead-end jobs
Ambition is for losers – if you’ve got an easy job, where you can spend your time writing an unsuccessful blog and reading up on the latest football, why would you change that? Milk it out as much as you can, it’s easy money!
Drink more alcohol
Did you get drunk at the work Christmas party after two WKD Blues? You know what your problem is? You don’t drink enough. You have close to a year to correct this now. Drink more and build up that tolerance to alcohol. Then you can be the one that makes it back home with the manager’s newly graduated daughter, rather than her going off with Brent from Marketing.
Spend less time with family and friends
The whole point of New Year’s resolutions is to be the best you that you can be. Don’t let other people slow you down. Cut ties with all your friends and family members. Being alone is the best thing… look at Luke Skywalker, worked out well for him didn’t it? And now he’s… Oh.
Happy New Year!