Food and Drink

Recipe: The perfect beans on toast

cook in front of beans background

Recently, I have decided I shall share my wealth of experience cooking amazing dishes with my readers – starting with the challenging but rewarding fine meal that is beans on toast.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot the better you’ll feel, so eat your beans for every meal.

Readers, please be patient, if you don’t get it right the first time, you will soon learn the art of making fine beans on toast like no other. If you’re American – get on the bandwagon – beans on toast is what it’s all about!

So without further ado, here is how to make the perfect beans on toast:


  • 1 tin of Heinz Baked Beans
  • A complete loaf of white bread – not that wholemeal crap
  • 50g of cheddar cheese
  • A knob of butter
  • Lots of salt and pepper


  1. Take the tin of beans and open using the clip thingy at the top of the tin. If your tin does not have a clip thingy then stop here and get yourself a kebab.
  2. Pour beans into a bowl you’ve previously used in the microwave without destroying anything.
  3. Insert in microwave and nuke the hell out of those beans for 1 minute and 30 seconds. Remove from the microwave and use a spoon-like utensil to stir the beans. Kill them off by nuking them for a further minute.
  4. I forgot to mention you should have covered the beans in the microwave, if you didn’t do this the chances are the beans would have had the last laugh. So start again and this time cover the bowl.
  5. Stick 2 slices of bread in a toaster, and toast for 3 minutes. The white bread should be toasted when it pops up. If it isn’t then put it in again until it is brown. If you go past the point of failure then you will no doubt burn the bread, so start again with new slices of bread. This is why you need a complete loaf of bread, as you will fail to get this right.
  6. Eventually, with the bread the correct level of toasted, apply the butter to the toast. Use a butter knife to glide the butter over the toast in a seductive way.
  7. Remove heated beans from microwave and pour over the slices of buttered toast. Pour evenly for desired outcome.
  8. Blitz the beans on toast with tons of salt and pepper.
  9. Use a grater to grate the cheddar cheese over the beans, so they melt into the beans in a smooth, pornographic manner – you know what I mean.
  10. Inhale to your heart’s content.

And there we have it, the perfect beans on toast. I will continue this series of challenging recipes in future posts. Happy tooting all!

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