With the turn of the decade, it’s a great opportunity to look for that dream job. Unfortunately, the majority of the time that means having to get through an interview if they’re not willing to accept sexual favours. Don’t stress, as always Boy Blunder is here to help.
Do your research
You know the drill – research the company, how they’re performing, the company history, yada yada yada. But do you ever consider researching the person interviewing you? It’s important to develop a connection with the interviewer.
Hit social media and look through their profile. Are they married? How many kids do they have? Where was their last holiday? What sort of food and drink do they enjoy? What car do they drive? Then, when you get to meet them in person, throw in a comment about how their wife, Janice, happens to look astounding in that skimpy red bikini back in Sicily. You want to appear relatable, so continue with how one day you’d love to have a wife with such a banging hot body.
Banter is essential too, so feel free to joke about how you’d need therapy if, like them, you found out your dad was gay too.
Plan the day in advance
Employers want to hire hard workers – no doubt about it. Think about how unimpressed they’d be if you rocked up looking fresh. Dress appropriately, with sweat patches on your outfit to show you work nonstop, and ensure you have a late night so you look obviously tired. This overworking look will do wonders for first impressions.
You may be wondering how you’ll get through the interview if you’re so tired? The answer – over-caffeinate. Have at least 2 litres of coffee within an hour of the interview start time, the edginess this gives you will show confidence. Starving yourself will add to the cause – you wouldn’t want the need to “pot the brown” during the interview, would you?
Plan how much time you’d need to get to the interview on time and take away half an hour. Arriving late will keep them on their toes.
Focus on body language
Body language is absolutely imperative when it comes to displaying your great persona. Always start with a moist handshake, the warmth will show the interviewer that you are a decent person. Hunch your back when you sit to show the interviewer that they are superior to you in every way.
Stare intensely at the interviewer, avoiding blinking at all costs. You can stare at their forehead, their nose, the freakishly big mole on their face, their boob job – but whatever you do, avoid eye contact. Eye contact will allow them to see straight through you, and you don’t want them to see the real you, do you?
Smiling shows you’re not taking the interview seriously, go for a sexy scowl instead. Along with the intense staring, the scowling will make you completely irresistible and charming. It’s easy to feel nervous during the interview – hyperventilating will sort this, breathing along to the rhythm of any prodigy track will work for you here. Before you know it, you’ll be nicely calmed and relaxed.
A final point on body language – always finish with a hug. Interviewers may come across like they’re not after a hug, but who doesn’t love a hug? This will complete your connection with the interviewer.
Prepare for interview questions
This is an interview. No interview is complete without questions being asked. Whatever you do, don’t take time in answering any questions asked. Cram in the general knowledge so you can be prepared for any question you may not know the answer to. Answering anything is better than not answering at all. If you don’t know how to answer what your strengths and weaknesses are, talk about the entire plot of The Empire Strikes Back, replacing Luke Skywalker with yourself, and Vader with your current employer.
You’ll also be expected to ask questions to the interviewer too. Prepare these in advance by making it about them. What star sign are they? If they were on a desert island, what 3 things would they want with them? Which One Direction member would they marry, fuck, or kill? If you’re successful, you’ll be interviewing them instead, and they’ll be the ones trying to win you over for the role.
Follow-up after the interview
It’s always nice to follow-up an interview with a thank you note. But why stop there? Send flowers and a loving poem to Janice, maybe a ticket to the theatre too. If you’re really committed, try and photoshop yourself into a picture with their kids from social media, frame and send across too. This will make for lasting impressions and you’ll immediately stand out from the crowd.
To close, follow the advice up there and you’ll walk into any role. I would wish you good luck, but you don’t need luck where you’re going.