Last year, Mrs Blunder and I welcomed our daughter, Baby Blunder, into the world. It became excruciatingly clear that ground rules need to be set when it comes to visitors. Luckily for you, I’ve set out the rules below – along with solutions to avoid pesky rule-breakers.
Rule #1: Don’t visit until given the go ahead
When’s the correct time to visit? The day after the baby is born? The first weekend? A few weeks later? I’ll tell you when isn’t the best time to visit – when the mother is still in labour! This was an unfortunate event when it came to Baby Blunder’s arrival, whereby Mrs Blunder’s aunt decided to head to the hospital when labour began. The last thing parents want is for calls announcing visitor arrivals to the hospital during final stages of labour.
Solution: Don’t tell anyone the name of the hospital you’re at. In fact, give the incorrect hospital so if they dare visit before being told, they can be on the wrong side of the country.
Rule #2: Always wash hands
Day to day you come into contact with many things – from handling coins to wiping your arse after a shit. It goes without saying then, that you keep your grubby hands away from newborn babies or simply wash those paws! Nobody wants to see you scratch your ball-sack and then handle a baby.
Solution: Gloves. Everyone who visits are given clean, sterilised gloves that they dispose of as soon as they leave.
Rule #3: Stay away if ill
Suffering from the flu? Got a cold? Bleeding out due to chopping your hand off when cooking? Stay away! Babies don’t appreciate catching your lurgy when they’ve just popped out. Do everyone a favour and keep your illnesses and germs to yourself. While we’re at it – don’t kiss the baby, no baby deserves to catch your STDs you sick, sick bastards.
Solution: The only solution here is to obtain a restraining order. Dare they break the law? If they decide to then lock them up.
Rule #4: Keep filthy little kids and pets away
If you have a baby yourself who can’t seem to control what they decide to smack in the face – just don’t bother. And forget letting your toddler have a picture with the newborn. The same applies for pets – especially if the pet happens to be a newborn puppy that hasn’t even been toilet trained yet – that is NEVER a good idea. Common sense, people!
Solution: Ensure toddlers are tied up, use handcuffs if necessary, and leave pets in the car.
If all else fails, arrange to have pets put down.
Rule #5: Don’t overstay welcomes
Do you have people in your family that just don’t leave? These people are the ones that come before lunch, expect to be fed, create a mess, and then leave after a few hours more. Even worse are the people that decide to travel a couple of hours and end up staying with you for a week.
Solution: Alarm clocks. Everyone must be timed from the second they walk in and told to leave when their time is up. Hire bouncers if you must.
Rule #6: Give mothers space to breastfeed
Yes, we now live in a world where it’s acceptable to breastfeed anywhere in public – and there’s no issues with that. But maybe you don’t have that confidence and choose to do it in a separate room. What you don’t want is someone following you to the room so they can continue their conversation of how their plant-based diet give them longer lasting erections.
Solution: Call their bluff… If they follow you to where you will be breastfeeding, undress completely to make them feel uncomfortable. Either that or you’ll just be turning them on.
Rule #7: Keep opinions away
Everyone is a master of how to raise children. Be it people that have 10 kids, or people that are barely at the age to be allowed to have kids. And it’s annoying to say the least. Things aren’t as they were in 1957, keep your methods to yourself, ok Grandma? And you can’t have been that great at parenting – I’ve seen how my dad turned out!
Solution: Write a best-selling book on how to look after newborn babies and refer to this each time some dimwit decides to tell you what to do.
Rule #8: Don’t scream near the baby
So, here’s the thing – newborn babies are sensitive little things. They don’t enjoy playing games that result in you screaming in or near their faces. If you really are that sexually deprived that you have to bring your screaming to the house of a newborn baby, invest in a vibrator.
Solution: Take the culprit to the side for a word. When you’re at a safe distance scream in their ears constantly until they get the message.
Rule #9: Don’t shake the baby
Similarly, there’s no need to shake a baby. Honestly, just talk to your partner and they’ll be rocking your bed in no time. But shaking a baby is a form of physical abuse… yes, I’ve used “that” card…
Solution: The only way to deal with physical abuse, is by retaliating in the same manner. They shake your baby – you sock ‘em in the face.
Rule #10: Stop posting pictures of the baby online
What happened to the days where you didn’t have to share every little detail of your life on the internet? Essentially, nobody cares! Parents don’t want their baby’s photos out there for sick paedophiles to jerk off on. If you really want a photo of the baby – stick it on a canvas in the privacy of your home rather than plastering on the digital wall on your online profile because cute babies will give you more likes to increase your dopamine levels.
Solution: The successful trend at the moment is revenge porn. Obtain as many compromising photos of the culprit as possible (do whatever it takes) and use to reply to the photos of the newborn. That ought to teach them.