Increasing your visibility in meetings

Man wearing bright orange blazer in office meeting

Recently, I’ve had a performance review with my real-life boss. Shockingly, he had the nerve to suggest I’ve underachieved due to lack of visibility in meetings. This is a common situation in office workplaces – forget what you’ve delivered over the last year or so – if you’re not bullshitting your way up the ladder, you’re obviously not doing anything worthwhile.

So, as a fuck you to Boy Blunder’s real-life manager – here’s a guide on how to increase your visibility in meetings at work:

Plan what you’re going to say and how often you want to speak in a meeting

Before you even know what the meeting is about, plan what you’re going to say and when you’re going to say it. It doesn’t matter what you plan to say – just say it. If you’re feeling frustrated in your job, use all meetings to voice your frustration at how the meeting is beneath you. Think about how often you make the same point, 5/10/15 minute intervals, the main thing is to repeat, repeat, and repeat.

Dress to stand out

Business people – they all wear pale colours, shades of blue, shirts etc. What’s the point of dressing like them? The whole point is to be visible right? Well, literally be visible. Take out that fluorescent yellow/orange/pink suit you’ve been hiding at the back of your wardrobe and wear it in all it’s glory. Immediately you will stand out to everyone in the room, including the senior management team. They shall envy you in all your glory.

Be the first to speak

You’ve all seen Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, right? Or any game show for that matter. The first and fastest to answer are the ones that are rewarded. Same rules apply here. Ensure you are the first to speak up. When the meeting organiser is about to do introductions, stand up and declare “MY NAME IS {Insert name, preferably your own}, AND I’M AWESOME”. That should set the tone for the rest of the meeting.

Say the first thing that comes into your head

Too much time is wasted thinking about how you can tactically respond to a point that’s made in a meeting. By the time you know the correct response, it’s too late. Therefore, always say the first thing that comes into your head. If you’ve left your pen at your desk, exclaim “me need pen”, if you’re wondering what to have for brunch, blurt out “bacon sandwich”, if you’re admiring the bulge on the meeting organiser, yell “nice package” – you get the gist.

Question everything

Too often it’s the fear of not knowing the answer that stops you from being able to talk in meetings. Well, how about you flip that thinking on its head and question everything instead? When you’re asked your views on something, respond with a question – “How does my view affect the customer?” as an example. Your questions can be as obscure as you’d like – “What significance does this project have in the grand scheme of things, as we are nothing but a speck in the universe?”.

Believe in yourself and your ideas

Having issues with self-confidence? Get over yourself. Stare into a mirror, slap yourself in the face, and tell yourself you can do it. You may be thinking I’m talking about prior to the meeting, in the toilets or something? Wrong. I mean IN the meeting. The same goes for your ideas, they are amazing. A television to stick on the ceiling of bedrooms with double-sided sticky tape – that’s a quality idea and not a safety risk whatsoever – let the whole meeting room know how much of a genius you are.

Keep your power

Chances are there’s going to be a lot of people attending a meeting who intend to increase their visibility too. This is the ultimate battle of brown-nosing. They that push their nose further up the boss’ anus are the biggest winners. As the old saying goes; ‘With great brown-nosing, comes great power’ – never forget that. And when you have said power, don’t let it go. Slam your fist on the table, pump your chest when you make your point, and raise your blood pressure by not allowing anyone else a say.

To summarise – you have no need to do any work in your careers, you have no need to be a good employee, all you have to do is learn the art of bullshitting and make it visible in meetings. Always remember, hard work gets you nowhere. Do you see the hard workers getting promoted at work? No. So quit trying to work hard and get on the BS bandwagon.

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