Boy Blunder is suffering. For the last couple of days, I’ve had a splitting headache. It makes sense then to write an article on how to get over a headache without drilling a hole into the side of your head. Which, to be fair sounds like a great option if none of the below work…
Take strong medication
This one is a no brainer – medication is God’s gift to us. And I’m not talking paracetamol or ibuprofen, I’m talking weed and alcohol. I find single malt whisky usually does the trick, followed by a couple of pints to ease into the night. What can go wrong with making your head spin instead of hurting?
Alleviate pain with distraction
When my daughter hurts herself, I usually distract her by tapping her hand. Obviously that won’t work on adults, we’re far more cleverer than that – so, to distract the mind you have to find a different source of pain. Grab a hammer and smash your foot, your head will then be the least of your worries.
Watch what you eat and drink
Food and drink are the best and worst things when it comes to life. This headache shouldn’t stop that. Get all the nutrients that you possibly can by ordering an extra large Big Mac meal from McDonalds. And don’t stop there – go get some chocolate dessert, then wash it all down with a 2 pint bottle of fizzy drink.
Regulate your body temperature
You need to stay intense. You need to beat this headache before this headache beats you. One way to do that – wash it out. Stick your shower on ice cold and step into it. Don’t get out until the job is done. Either the headache will walk out – or you will walk out. But both of you won’t.
Listen to music
Music is such a powerful tool. It can help relax a person, make a person happy, make a person sad, or make a person angry if it’s Justin Bieber. The music for a headache? Loud heavy metal. Close yourself in a small room, stick the volume on max, and play that heavy metal until you knock yourself out.
Change the lighting
You know what is causing your headache? Lack of light. So, it goes without saying that what you need to do is turn every single light in the room on. Sure, your energy bill may increase – but what’s more important – money or death? For quick effect, give a lightbulb a staring contest. Bet you’re glad you went for long lasting bulbs now.
Consider water intake
We’re living a society that ensures water intake is incredibly important. What a bunch of shit. Water is what is probably causing your headache – what with all the chemicals Evian shoves into it. Do yourself a favour and replace your pint of water with a pint of Sambuca.
Focus on sleep
You’re probably thinking you need to catch up on your sleep and get past this. Don’t believe the lies. Keep yourself awake for as long as possible. Do not let those eyelids drop at all. The longer your eyes are open, the more you are allowing the strain to go from the back of your head and into your eyes. Then, and only then, will you sleep soundly. Science, bitch!
Relax with television
Television – is there anything it can’t do? If it’s not looking for YouTube videos explaining what I have been in this article, it’s probably a talk show allowing you to feel glad that your wife isn’t making love to your favourite baseball bat. What you want for this occasion is a loud action movie, Die Hard usually does the trick. Bruce Willis can smash anything from that head of yours.
Visit the in-laws
If all else fails, visit the in-laws. They will certainly get rid of your headache with all the crap they will make you feel. “But Boy Blunder, how will adding stress to my life get this headache to go away?”, I hear you ask. The logic is simple – two negatives make a positive… or something like that I was taught in my maths class as a spritely 11 year old.
And there you have it. The wonders of Boy Blunder does it again.