Do you know the meaning of true love? Maybe it worked out for you, you got married, had a football team of kids, and lived out the rest of your life in that castle at the top of the hill. Or maybe there’s that one that got away and instead you ended up with the one that would just do, living in a run-down flat in a high-crime area, with drug dealing toddlers that are apparently your kids. This is for all of you who are on the path to giving up your dream.
Once upon a time Boy Blunder fell in love with a work colleague. I had just set foot into the marketing department at my new job when she caught my eye. She had the most amazing blue eyes, an innocent smile to die for, and the hottest pair of legs since my lunch at Nandos. This is how I approached the situation, followed by some takeaway tips:
Get their name
The most awkward thing about life is having to remember names. Why can’t we just be primitive and grunt at each other? Why is it acceptable when having coitus to let ourselves go with the noises we make but not otherwise? You don’t tend to hear “oh my, I must say, I am having the time of my life darling” whilst doing your other half in the car park at KFC.
But yeah, apparently I need to know a woman’s name to get ahead. So I did a bit of investigating and found out her name. I said “hello” to Rebecca from afar – she seemed keen, laughing in her cute way. After a couple of weeks I was at the stage where I could shout out BEKKAAAH from across the office in different accents and she’d love it, L-O-L-ing every time. It was at this point I realised Rebecca was actually the woman sat next to her, and I hadn’t actually conversed with “Stacey” at all. People at the office just thought I had lazy eyes.
Tip #1: Stick to grunting
Find their interests
With my love growing, it was time to find out more about her. We’re truly blessed living in the internet age – is there anything Facebook can’t do? So easily enough, I searched for Stacey Second-Name, and there she was. Now, I’m not one to just add anybody on Facebook – definitely not work colleagues, only real friends and hookers. I also didn’t want to show Stacey I was obsessed with her (in a healthy way), so I didn’t want to add her as a friend. As her profile was restricted, I couldn’t find anything out, so I often found myself just staring at her name and profile picture. Then one day my stupid fat fingers deceived me and I accidentally hit the friend button – given that I had actually never spoken a single word to this girl, I panicked and unfriended her. Then I thought that would look dodgy as hell and re-added her as a friend, but this time adding everybody else in the company of 100+ people too. This had a knock on affect where everyone was adding everyone.
My one and only real “friend” at work wasn’t impressed by my triggering a friend-fest, so I confided in him by telling him what occurred – I then clicked through her photos on Facebook to show him what I was missing out and that’s when it happened. My deceitful fat finger accidentally liked a photo of Stacey from several years earlier. I don’t often face-slap myself – this was one occasion when it was very valid.
Tip #2: If you want to find out more about a love interest, stick to traditional methods of stalking
Work out their relationship status
After the Facebook scenario, it was time to get the answer to the biggest question going through my head… Would she be up for a two-woman threesome? But before that, it was time to check the relationship status on Facebook. Blank. I took this as single, as you would. By now, we were talking regularly, I’d usually take the long route to the toilets by walking past her desk, engage in a bit of chit-chat, and then return to my desk having wet myself. There was an upcoming work trip to a local funfair that I knew she was going to, so I decided to go along too. Once there, a group of us dared who could go on a ride the most – a ride that spins whilst launching itself in the air. Stacey was an avid fan of this ride, and had the stomach to go with – so I decided I would do whatever it took to make it till the end with her. Being close to throwing up, I made it – it was just me and her left queuing up for the ride. This is the story we would tell our future kids…
Turns out we were joined last minute by a new entry – Stacey’s boyfriend. What was supposed to be a romantic ride whilst holding hands, turned into the wrong kind of threesome with me sandwiched between Stacey and her fella. Didn’t help the entire duration of the ride he was squashed up against me. Also didn’t help that when the ride was over, I happened to throw up on Stacey. Not the first time a ride with a girl ended up like that for me.
Tip #3: Should you end up fighting to win a love interest – don’t throw up on them.
Win them over
There is one golden rule of love – don’t give up. They have a boyfriend? That’s nothing, people switch partners all the time. They get engaged – smile it off. They invite you to their wedding – get drunk and hit on her obese aunt. They ask you to babysit their kids whilst they’re out on a date night – charge a good rate. True love will always triumph.
Tip #4: Give up and settle for the first minger that plods along