A letter to Santa

Santa in the snow

Dear Santa

It’s me, Boy Blunder. You probably remember me as the guy that microwaves his underwear to survive the cold of the festive period. How are you? How’s the diet going? Chances are you may be diabetic with the amount of crap you’re having to eat to satisfy the youngling bastards. Hope you’ve got life insurance, things going well with Mrs Claus? If you find you can’t trust her with your inheritance, I’m here for you dawg, bros before hoes and all that malarkey! You must be smashing it at this time of year – Coca Cola alone probably pay you enough to purchase Richard Branson’s entire property estate.

You’ll be happy to know this year I’ve been good. You may hear some rumours about some things regarding what I’ve done, but ignore Scotland Yard, they’re just shit-stirring. And just to be clear, that big tailless squirrel was dead BEFORE I accidentally shot it and stamped on its face. Also, I don’t know how those plasma screens and DVD players got into my van in February – I think someone is trying to come between us.

I’ve done lots of good things too – I’m sure you’re aware, my highness. I opened my neighbour’s door to the house when she was away – as I hadn’t heard from her for a while and wanted to make sure she wasn’t dead, and when I couldn’t find her, I decided I would take some of her belongings to keep safe for her. She can come and take them back at any time when it’s right for her, she can see everything on eBay. Then there was the time where I supported the Disney charity by donating my money to the Avengers, Captain Marvel, Toy Story 4, and Star Wars causes. I can now go to sleep at night knowing the good people at Disney are able to have food on their plates and beat poverty.

So, onto business… For Christmas, I would like:

  • Followers on my blog/social media!!
  • A brand new Ferrari
  • A mansion to rival Bill Gates
  • A country named after me
  • Telekinesis superpowers
  • The wisdom of the Dalai Lama
  • True love of any woman I wish
  • A billion pounds in cash…
    • Half a billion in 20’s
    • Three-quarters of a billion in 10’s
    • Two-quarter of a billion in 5’s
    • 10 billion in pound coins
  • The ability to do basic maths
  • And in case I forget anything – a magic lamp containing unlimited wishes

I don’t ask for much so please don’t disappoint.

Truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Sta… Boy Blunder. Merry Christmas!

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